Tag Archives: deviated septum surgery

COCAINE WITH YOUR SURGERY, MADAME?

I’ve never done any type of illegal drug.  Never.  I can’t even say, “I didn’t inhale” because no joint never even came to my lips.  Clinton was so silly, wasn’t he?

As of right now, my alarm will go off in four hours.   Tomorrow morning, I go under the chisel and mallet.  Not kidding.  I’m having my deviated septum fixed and having those nasty turnbinates taken out of the way of my encumbered path of breathing through my nose.  I made the mistake of watching the surgery on YouTube.  YUCK.  All my other surgeries I feel I could have done myself – I could have taken my own gallbladder out, my own Madame Bovary out, my own adhesions out, my own breast lump out, put my own screws in my feet, fixed my own shoulder.  But this one has me freaked.  Someone’s actually going to banging on my face, with a mallet.  That’s the stuff you see Daffy Duck doing.  Or the Roadrunner.

The biggest thing everyone complains about after this surgery is that they have to pack your nose with a gazillion feet of gauze-type packing which proves to be painful.   Taking it out is apparently not only disgusting but uncomfortable.  Well my doctor said he doesn’t use it.  He uses cocaine as it’s a great vasoconstrictor.  Great, my first time I could “trip” without guilt  and I’ll be asleep for it.

A lot of my friends have had the surgery, they most often suggest  to have plenty of Chapstick around since I’ll be breathing out of my mouth for three or so days.  I can remember my sister telling me to “SHUT UP” when we were watching TV because I was breathing through my mouth, loudly, apparently.   I’ve never been able to breathe really well through my nose.

All this is done in hopes of making a path of clear sailing up to my brain.  New evidence shows that migraines could come from a lack of oxygen and the vessels in your head constrict.  We always knew I lacked oxygen to my brain (seems obvious?), but maybe there’s actually something to it.  Plus those darn turbonates apparently are giving off negative ions.  ?  I kid you not.

So think of me as you’re reading this, I’ll have a nice straight septum, you will not most likely; my swollen inflamed turbinates will be gone, yours most likely will not; and I will be enjoying pain medication, you most likely will not.

Love, Little Miss Sunshine.

PS: Don’t know if you noticed I left one major surgery out that I know I could not have done myself.  Just can’t reach there, ya know?

PRE-SURGERY TESTING NEEDS AN EDUCATION

Decided today I might put something nice on instead of my scrubs.   My first encounter, at a pre-surgery screening, the blood taker-lady said, “you look so nice, are you headed back to work?”  I was a little embarrassed to say, “no.”   Back to bed…..

She took my EKG, blood, and sent me to the nurse for questions.  Around the seventh questions was, “what is the highest level of your education?”  I took a second, thought to myself….I said, “I mean no disrespect, but I don’t answer that question.”  She looked up from her pen and paper she was so arduously filling out and  just looked puzzled.  I said I didn’t generally answer it unless she wanted to put “enough” in the empty box.  I asked if she knew why it was asked.  She said,  ”just for general information so we know how well the patient will understand what’s going on.”

I felt insulted.  I told her I had three PhDs from the University of Google.  She looked even more puzzled.  And she wasn’t laughing.

What “puzzled” me,  is why this question is so commonly asked.  I know, I know, it’s her job to fill out that form.  But the question she had asked previous to that was, “in your own words can you tell me what surgery you’re having done?

I said, “partial turbinectomies and septoplasty “.  She said, “no, honey, your own words.”  I quietly said, “those are my own words.”    Surprise, some of us lay people from U of G actually understand that stuff.  Not to mention I’ve read about it for years in search of face pain relief.

Upon leaving she admonished me for not have the proper milligrams noted on my medical form of two out of the ten drugs I had listed.  It was my fault.  I gave her that.

Love, Little Miss Sunshine

PS: I don’t know just how educated she really thought I was, I only had one earring in all day.  Just couldn’t get that right one in so left it out.  Felt pretty cool walking around with just one.